Autumn Mood

We do not celebrate Thanksgiving in France, or in Europe altogether, so this is something that was new to me. As someone who is constantly fighting against injustices and other dark — , it’s sometimes hard to keep a positive mind and see the good. Thanksgiving is a good reminder each year to take a breath and note that not everything is bad and list everything we are lucky to have.

All my Thanksgivings have been the opportunity to hold my husband’s hand and tell him I am thankful for him. Not this year. I am still grateful for him but I don’t get to tell him, or see him. I have not seen him in close to a year now. I will get to that when I am able but these holidays will probably be the worst of my life, until now at least as the situation might not get better. It’s hard to be thankful when you feel you lost everything. With no visits and the new mail rule, there is no place for a private conversation anymore and I am wondering how a couple – more so one who is based on conversations and communication – is sustainable in those circumstances. I have already felt pushed back in the last year because my husband’s own lawyers requested copies of ALL his mail, emails and phone calls. Luckily the DOC did not keep copies of letters, so they could not get that, but the fact that they were asking was such an invasion of privacy to me. I have only sent pretty superficial emails since. His lawyer told me that he didn’t see the problem because I never had privacy, only the illusion of privacy. On this, he is very wrong. Yes, letters are screened before they get to him or his to me. Screened. They are not read word by word, copied, distributed around and potentially used in court and so, made public. When you write several-page letters, there is a place in there that is just yours. The letters he writes to today have no relevance in a crime that happened 16 years ago. Do they think we have discussions about the case in letters? Or are they just curious? When they are more interested in finding former one-night stands than go talk to the people who put him on drugs and used him to steal and deal for them as a kid and who are still right there down the street, we have to wonder. I still hope one day I’ll say “wow, they did such an amazing job, and they saved his life”. Then next Thanksgiving I’ll have something to be really grateful for.

I actually liked the people in his legal team that I have met, and I know, as public defenders, they are slammed with too many cases and it’s objectively impossible for them to dig each one. If you work in capital cases I think there is a very hard balance to find between caring enough to really fight for your clients, and being detached enough that you can live with them getting a death sentence. Evyrone hates them too for defending “murderers”, “evil”, “monsters”. Their place is also a tough one to be in.

But back to the mail. The lawyer thing was a while back but it took me some time to calm down and talk about it. I was so upset because I was hurt threefold. I found out while reading court documents, I got slapped in the face that not only he (my husband) is dehumanized, but his whole family is too, and then they were basically telling me it’s not a big deal and didn’t even see a problem or understood why I had a problem with it.
As someone who fights everyday to show the humanity of people behind bars, it was a tough reminder that I, Sigrid, is not seen as human either. My struggles, my feelings don’t matter.

Now that the incoming mail will be digitized, this last tiny place of privacy is gone. Letters will be stored for years (even years after release… which is never, for us). And lawyers and/or prosecutors will be able to request them. I have no way left to talk to my husband, and my husband only.

I still have a little list of things I am thankful for:
– cooler temperature season, finally!
– having a job & health insurance, and my baby boy getting healthier.
– my husband, always.
– kind people (they’re hard to find but I am lucky to know a few).
– Wire of Hope’s growth – but honestly Elodie and I work so damn hard on it, we simply deserve it.
– those who scroll without the urge to leave mean comments « just because » ✌.