Alan and I talked to Chion Wolf on Audacious about our relationship, family, hopes and worthiness.
There’s more to a person than the worse thing they ever did, I hope we managed to show that. Let me know.
Marriage Procedure in Prison (Florida)
Since I know it’s a matter that a lot of prison girlfriends and fiancées have questions about, I thought I would make a post about the prison marriage process. Of course each prison has its own marriage process so this is only based on my own experience at my (now-) husband’s correctional institution.
The kind of ceremony you can have will also depend on the facility. Some prisons don’t allow weddings, some are behind glass or even by proxy (the possibilities may also depend on the State). Some prisons require the chaplain to officiate. Some allow visitors (guest) to attend, some don’t – when they do, the guests usually have to be already approved on the inmate’s visitation list. Wedding gowns and flowers and cameras are not allowed, the inmate wear their regular visitation clothes and the bride has to follow the regular visitation dress code.
But here is how things worked for us:
– A. made a request to the chaplain for a marriage form. He was told I have to change my status with classification to “girlfriend” (your classification status is the one you had when you filled the visitation application, which is usually pen pal or friend if you are MWI*). The assistant chaplain is actually the one in charge of the paperwork.
*Met While Incarcerated
– I contacted classification and got my status changed in 5 minutes – his classification officer is super reactive and she knew of me since end of 2014 so this was a non-issue.
– A. contacted the assistant chaplain again, stating my status has been changed and giving my full name so he can contact me.
– We met with the chaplain once in the visiting park very quickly (we were still waiting for the forms…), he could record that I was real and obviously visiting. It might sound stupid but it’s quite logic that before they allow a wedding, they check that there are visitations and that we do actually know each other and have a relationship.
– A. eventually received the “marriage interview questionnaire”.
He had to fill out several questions like list things in order of importance in marriage, about areas of responsibility (for example who is supposed to do the household chores or take care of the finances or children and so on 😉 ), about our family consent, and other general questions (ex: have you been honest about your past relationships, criminal charges, addictions?) and define certain words (love, marriage, commitment).
The last page was to list the (approved) visitors to attend the wedding.
– He met with the assistant chaplain to sign the marriage paperwork and discuss reasons for marrying.
– I received a letter “in response to an Inmate Request from Mr. W. to marry you while incarcerated” […] “If you consent to this marriage, you will need to read the attached forms, sign/date then and mail them”. One form was the “request to marry”, my fiancé and my information were already all on it and we both had to sign it, the other one was a list of rules and information about the process.*
* that we had to find our own person to marry us and have that person approved at the prison, that the ceremony would take place in the visitation park on a regular visiting day but after the visit – for a grand total of 30 minutes, that all fees are my responsibility, that I have to bring the marriage license (and bring the license back to the Clerk of Court after the wedding to have the marriage recorded) and that there is a 3-day waiting period to marry after obtaining a license in Florida, that I have to follow the usual dress code, that his ring must not cost over $100 and that I must bring the receipt, and that I must decide if I keep my maiden name or take his name.
– After the assistant chaplain received those papers signed by me, they were sent to A. for him to sign them too and send them back to the assistant chaplain. A. was told at that time that the next step was “psy + security”.
– A psychologist met with A. a morning at his cell. I don’t really know what was discussed but it was very short.
– It seems A. “passed” the psy test and the paperwork was then sent to Tallahasse (DOC) for approval. It usually takes two to three months to get approval to marry from the DOC.
It seems pretty quick and easy but you have to think “prison”, “paperwork”, “mail”, “slow” 😉 At this point we are mid-September and my classification status was changed in April (to give you an idea).
The marriage approval from the DOC took exactly 2 months (we were approved mid-November) though I was only told a couple weeks later.
Our DOC approval was valid for a year (this also varies in each State/prison).
The next step was to agree on a date with the prison (still through the assistant chaplain) and find a notary public to perform the wedding. You can take anyone you want but you have to have that person approved by the prison, so count an extra month for that. We decided to go with one of the notaries already approved by the prison. The arrangements are to be made between the notary and you.
Getting closer to the date and being in the USA eventually (I’m from Europe), I could take care of the marriage license. Our notary public told me where in Florida it was possible to get a license without the groom. To get a license you usually have to show up together with your IDs and you’re good to go. It gets a little more complicated when your loved one is incarcerated but with the right information it goes pretty smoothly.
If you are in Northern Florida, you have to go to the Union County Courthouse in Lake Butler. You (the non-incarcerated applicant) must appear in person in the Clerk’s office and must provide:
– a photo ID (passport)
– social security for both parties (so you have to know your fiancé social security)
– state of birth for both parties
– the letter of approval from the DOC
– a color copy of your fiancé’s inmate DOC face sheet (print his profile page from the DOC website’s offender list directly)
– the license fee ($93.50) in cash.
As I said earlier there is a 3-day waiting period before the license is valid, it is then valid for 60 days and you must return it within 30 days from the date of the wedding.
! Sometimes the prison requires that the license is brought to the prison to be signed by the inmate before the wedding, in my case he just signed it in front of the notary public on the wedding day but you must check with the prison for their own process !
Then you show up at the prison with your marriage license on the wedding day, with the wedding bands (and the receipt for the inmate’s one), and marry your special one 🙂
If you think I forgot something important or if you have questions, let me know 🙂
The wedding! (by Alan)
No wedding is without a bit of chaos, we know first hand now. 🙂
I never like to see you so tense and stressed but if it means we’re together I want to see your lowest and worst points in life, I don’t want to miss a thing. […]
You know I like to think of every (current) day as the most important, I can’t help but to catalog and revisit many of the days of ours and this day is truly special to me. […] I spent the majority of this day reveling in the moment, the fact I’d soon be legally bound to the incredibly amazing woman of my dreams and of my life. I really cherished all these moments – as I do always – when your personality or your prominent traits were/are most apparent, for instance, how sweet you are to me even when I’m feeling undeserving of any kindness, these seemingly private feelings I have must be obvious to you because you manage to always pour affection on me so hard whenever I think for a second that I’m ruining your life… […]
Your fearlessness was on display this day! I didn’t misspeak, the fact that you were able to stand in a room full of people and to say such sweet things, revealing yourself and your inner most precious emotions, promising to spend and devote your life with/to another human in the face of all your fears, that’s fearlessness! I was so in awe of the whole situation that the size of it overwhelmed me. […] You’ll think this is silly but I’m always fantasising of rescuing you and I thought today would be the day that I’d catch your fainting body or help you navigate through a mental breakdown – this one looked promising for a few minutes :p – but you’re such a badass! I’ll probably never stop these silly fantasies, even knowing you don’t need saving from anyone for anything. I have the best wife!
As you were saying your vows I felt invincible, I felt safe, I felt loved. I don’t think I will ever forget this moment.
The wedding! (in Florida)
The day started with a challenge… I called myself the “DIY bride”, because, except in these circumstances, I don’t think a lot of brides have to do their hair and make-up, and drive themselves to the ceremony in their fluffy dress. In the morning I got up on time and was on schedule until I kept messing up my make-up and started sweating like I never did before, and needed air I was unable to find (nor outside, nor with the AC). I was still in my towel getting worried I would not be on schedule anymore very soon and I decided to take another quick shower because I was just feeling disgusting, and this is not a feeling you want on your wedding day. I made one last attempt on my make-up before jumping in the bathtub and desperation was my lucky charm I guess: I was good to go (well, after that quick shower though :p ). I still had to do my hair but I was lucky to have a bridesmaid to actually do it for me. And to also help my mom with her own make-up. We left right on time! I was confident everything was going to be fine.
I was so wrong! We got to the prison alright but we were supposed to be allowed 6 guests + me for the visitation and the ceremony (happening after visitation at 3 p.m.) and we had an authorization for an extra person, but once at the gate we were told only 3 could come in. After one phone call we were told the captain would let us all come in. So we started being processed, 4 people got in with me (my mom, my friend, his brother and his ex sister-in-law). We were unsure what was going on but it looked like somebody changed their mind again and the others couldn’t get in. We had to keep going forward with no explanation. I was also stopped on the way (after the pat search) because “THAT (hand circling around my chest), is not allowed”. I was still adjusting my dress and cardigan but my dress had a “square” neckline so I wouldn’t say I had a big cleavage but I do have boobs -_- – anyway I had to keep my cardigan closed the whole time. Not my biggest issue or concern with our guests behind… I knew it (the guests situation) could happen, but I was expecting that extra guest to be an issue, not that they would remove 2 people from the initial 6 regular guests everyone is allowed to have for a wedding! I had to tell the news to Alan when we arrived so that didn’t put us in a good wedding mood. I stayed pissed a long time because we just didn’t know what was going on with the others, we were told we had to take turns but we didn’t make any arrangement with them and we didn’t even know if they were still here. Later we found out they were and we could switch 3 guests for the 3 guests waiting outside, and that everyone will be able to come back at 2:30 to attend the ceremony. When this finally happened, I was able to calm down. I was also anxiously waiting for the notary public to arrive, that whole day gave me the vibe that this wedding wasn’t happening. Getting closer to the time, I was feeling a little sick, like my stomach made its way to my throat and I was afraid I was going to throw up. I can’t really explain that since I never had any doubt about marrying him, so I assume it was more the stress of being the center of attention or maybe just the nerves after that disappointing day.
Once everyone (notary included) was in place it turned from shitty to perfect.
Alan had to sign the License first, so I watched that carefully :p and we were ready to go.
It was a little surprising to me that so “many” guards would be attending. There were 4 of them + the Duty Warden. The photographer (an inmate from General Population) was here too, to take pictures during the ceremony (which I wasn’t sure we could do so that was great) and after.
Them and our family made an arc of circle around us. The notary started with a greeting, and it immediately made me realize it was actually happening and it became very serious to me. Not that it wasn’t serious in my mind already but hearing those words was very special and it made the mood switch from visitation to union. Then a prayer. We all bent our heads down. A. and I both looked at each other once at the same time, which made me smile and was a extra short moment of complicity that made me connect to him and sort of forget the environment – we are respectful of religion but not very religious, though the reading from the Bible she did after was great for us :
« Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. […] »
Then came the time of the “repeat after me vows”, the words were perfectly on point again (“[…] I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you. […] »). I was really feeling and meaning every word I was saying. And she respected my request to change « Til Death Do Us Part » with « Forever ».
She then asked if we had vows to say to each other, and I asked if I could go first. I had a card with them on it but I didn’t want to read, it was just to make sure I wouldn’t forget anything important but I wanted to look at him. I started but had to stop quickly “I want to hold your hand”, I said, trying to forget about all the eyes on me to be able to get through. During the repeat after me vows I was already emotional and it became huge when it was our own vows. It was intimidating and very important to me that I told him these things (we both have troubles to express our feelings “out loud” sometimes though we are always getting better and we both thought this could be a liberating moment for us). I was doing well but in the middle of a sentence I had to pause to breath and start again. I couldn’t even look at our guests, I wasn’t sure I would be able to finish otherwise. I kept looking at him and I loved reading his face as the words came out of my mouth. I took a quick look in front of me when I reached the end and saw that many people were crying, including a guard who was wiping his eyes (yes, they are human too). It was then his turn but it seemed he couldn’t look at me while reading. I could see his lips trembling and I was trying to have the most encouraging gaze on him in case he needed that… His emotion was so strong and moving. The hilarious part was that our vows were pretty much the same, we even used the same references (personal references that we used in more general sense so everyone could understand their meaning). It was awesome and if anyone ever doubted our bond I don’t think they can do it anymore after hearing those vows.
Then the notary asked for the rings (that we entrusted his niece with), explained what they symbolize, and we exchanged them. She then pronounced us husband and wife and we were married! (and we kissed ^^)
We took the last pictures all together, the witnesses signed the license, and while the pictures were still printing we already had to leave…
